Scott Noelle, of
EnjoyParenting, is, IMHO, the greatest parenting coach in the world! I feel so lucky to be a part of his PATH program and to be getting his help. Rather than simply teach/instruct parents to "connect" or "be kind", he helps us learn *how* to actually stay connected through the tough times - when a child is screaming or hitting or throwing oatmeal on the ceiling (as mine has done LOL). I've been studying Connection Parenting since Yoav was born. The first book I read post-birth was Jan Liedloff's
"The Continuum Concept". Maybe it's because of all the reading and practicing of the past five years that have led me to this point, but, for me, at this time, with Scott's help, I'm connecting with my kids on a different level than I was before and it feels so good. Tonight when we were going to sleep, I said to Yoav, "This was a fun day." And he said, "Yea, I loved today!" Then, a pause. Then, "What did we do today?" He felt in his heart that it was a fun, joyful day and then wondered what we "did" to make that happen. But we didn't "do" anything special. Except that we stayed totally connected all day. And THAT is pure joy.
So, thanks Scott! And, for everyone else, join
PATH! :)
I had a coaching session with him last night and he gave me permission to post about it.
Subject: How to stay connected when my child loses his Center - example (which seems to be a recurring one for us): Water spills on the table and gets on Yoav's placemat or on the tablecloth and he SCREAMS to FIX IT RIGHT NOW. To GET THE WATER OFF! So, what I wanted to work on with Scott was to help me stay better connected through this (rather than just grit my teeth and replace the placemat, since our kids feel our energy just as clearly as they hear our words).
So what's going on when this happens? Yoav's need is deeper - he's not screaming about the spilled water. He's screaming because he has lost his emotional balance and needs help getting balanced. He's crying out for me to help him find his Center.
The first step is for me to realize that when I think it's "hard" when he's screaming, that's only a thought and the only reason it *is* hard for me is because I *believe* it's hard. So I can let go of that. I can realize that it's simply a loud noise indicating that he needs help finding his balance/Center.
There are two parts of the process
A) Help Yoav find his emotional balance during these times; and
B) Once he's re-centered, help him to learn to better communicate (to ask for help rather than scream).
This is broken down in detail:
1) Maintain your own Center. Choose not to react negatively to the screaming. Process the intensity of the vibration (the screaming). Remind self that this is not personal, that my child just doesn't know how to ask for help yet.
2) If you are not of the state of mind to actually help the child through the next steps, just take care of the problem (in this example, get a new placemat). The full process doesn't have to be done every time the child loses his Center, just as much as possible - when you have the time and emotional wherewithal.
3) Help child learn that he can find his Center unconditionally - ie, without actually getting what he thinks he "needs" (a new placemat). Approach him calmly. Get physically close, make eye contact. Find a way to connect - perhaps by touching his hand, holding him in your lap, massaging, etc. This is a NON-VERBAL step (since his brain is all scattered from the upset). In this step, you can imagine him to have a AAA Battery and you are a big car battery - he can physically connect to your Calm Presence to begin charging his battery pack. Another analogy that Scott gave that I liked was: Imagine he's a small mosquito - a drop of water would completely knock him out. That's how he's feeling by this wet placemat - he feels small and knocked down, even though it seems like a non-issue to me.
4) Reassure him that you will get through this: "We're going to solve this." Let him know that you are on his side and that, through partnership, you will solve the problem.
5) Train him to solve problems from the inside out. "LET'S take a deep breath. LET'S get Centered." Again, we are in this TOGETHER and will solve it TOGETHER. Note how different this feels than "You need to take a deep breath" or any similar
dominator language.
6) Continue to breathe together. Repeat "We're going to solve the problem just as soon as we get Centered." if he keeps yelling about the water. Continue connecting physically and with eye contact.
7) Validate verbally if it feels right / helpful. Let him know that you understand what he's upset about.
8) You can add a story about how something similar happened to you as a kid and you got upset but solved it by doing xyz... This can help him feel that he's not alone with his intense reactions and can also see that, even if you used to get upset by such things, now you are strong and Centered and he will get there as well.
9) Once he is Centered, you can do whatever he wanted done. So I can put out a new placemat, but he now knows that he's not dependent on the dry placemat to find his Center.
10) The last step is to train him to ask rather than scream for help. Once he is calm, you can say, "You know, I'm really glad we were able to solve this problem. I would enjoy it more next time if you could ask in a calm voice." No judgment, just the honest comment.
We actually had this exact same issue today and we did Scott's "Child-Centering Formula"
and it was hugely successful. The hardest part for me was making the physical connection with Yoav when he was still screaming and starting to take the tablecloth off the table. And later in the day when something else happened and I did this again, he actually ran away from me, but then that turned into a game (Yoav's lead) and he was able to get balanced with a bit of play.